Reverb10 ~ Let Go

December 5 – Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
(Author: Alice Bradley)

I don't know if I let go, or gave in, but this year I accepted that I can NOT do everything on my own. When the Hubs deployed the first time after Squishy's birth I knew it was going to be hard, but I assumed I could handle it just fine on my own. Afterall I had already been through 5 deployments as a couple.

Boy was I wrong. With no family living in Las Vegas, and my inability to ask for help by the time my Hubs returned 4 months later, I was so beyond exhausted it wasn't even funny. During that deployment I questioned every decision I made, with ever lost minute of sleep I lost confidence in myself as a mother.

When the Hubs did come home, he helped me to regain my confidence by letting me get some sleep, and acknowledging how amazingly hard it must have been to do it on my own.

Sure I had friends, but they were newer friends with families of their own. I didn't want to be an inconvenience, so I put up a good front. But I knew I was drowning trying to do everything on my own.

So this next time when the Hubs deployed, I was better prepared. My sister-in-law had moved out to Las Vegas and in with us for the time being. I had set up time for just me, Mommy bingo nights, and I made the decision to sleep train the baby. (Who was over 1 year.)

So in 2010 gave into or let go of feeling like I needed to do everything on my own. It is still a work in progress. I still question myself and my choices at times, but I am trying to cut myself some slack, and ask for help.

Daily Vegas ~October 20th, 2010

• Just over 2 years since we found out we were expecting the sweetest squishiest baby ever.
• 16.5 Months since we had said Squishy Baby.
• 500+ days of our lives.
• Easily over 3000 Nursing sessions.
• Hundreds of hours of bonding time.
• One formally 10lb 2 oz baby, Now a healthy 26+lb 33inch Toddler.
• Cracked nipples.
• Un-totaled amounts spent on nipple creams, nursing bras, breast pads and other breastfeeding paraphernalia.
• Pinch marks.
• A million sweet smiles hidden sweetly behind my breast.
• 14 teeth.
• A few bite incidents.
• Countless public boob flashes.
• A place where sleep kissed both of our eyelids from time to time.
• Sweet Hands on Mama's Face.
• Soft baby skin for me to rub with love.
• A lot of hard work.
• A lot of love.
• An end of a chapter.
• A healthy beginning.
• A sad and sweet moment for me.
• A reminder of Roots and Wings.

My son has been fighting his only nursing session of the day. The past few weeks, nursing has only been frustrating for him, and work for me. Last night I nursed for the last time. I am thrilled to have made it this long. I am counting my blessings. I am sad it ended this way. I always thought it would be him nursing, gazing into my eyes, me knowing it was our last time nursing. A tear or two. A sweet end to a rough beginning.

Instead I knew it was the right thing to do. My son self-weaned himself. I had gotten him to a point where he was ready to be done. I just thought it would last longer, and end different. I am kind of numb to it right now. Despite the fact that my son was ready, my breasts are still feeling full having not nursed in over 24 hours. I knew being a mother would be filled with ups and downs, but I never realized it you could be filled with such sorrow at the same time as you are proud to have made it this long.

The Joys and Sorrows of "Letting Go"

Recently, I have been reading a lot about the sadness associated with the beginning of a new school year all of the letting go it requires. I am not there yet, but oh my, I can’t tell you I will be a wreck. Yes, I will be happy that my little man is growing up, and is heading on to places that will help him develop as a person, but there is always a sense of sadness when our children begin a new stage in their lives.

The truth is that parenting is filled with these moments of Melancholy. When we gave birth to our beautiful children we all knew parenting wasn’t going to be easy, and that it would have many tough moments. But I know I personally didn’t expect being a parent to be such a mixed bag of emotions. That with every big (and little) accomplishment or stage our child enters there would be sadness in letting go.

When Squish was six weeks old he had already grown out of his 0-3 month clothes. (He never fit in newborn clothes being 10 lbs 2 oz at birth.) In a mix of post-partum emotions, I found myself crying as I packed up these clothes. I posted on Facebook something to the effect of “I didn’t realize the simple act of packing up clothes could be so sad.” My mother sent me a message that day that has stuck with me through every happy/sad moment, here are the central parts of that letter.

“One of the hardest things about being a mother is that every day is another goodbye - the old adage about the best two gifts you can give your children are roots and wings is really true. Only no one said the wings part would be so hard, especially if you have worked hard on the roots part!”

“All of the benefits of motherhood are gifts - like little hands on my face and the looks of absolute adoration. Not to mention the knowledge that my first little girl has grown to be healthy and kind, and is now a loving mother because of the "Letting go" I did.” ~my mom.

The roots and wings adage has been something I try to remember at the times when I find myself saddened over moments that I should be celebrating. Moments like packing away old cloths, Squish’s first birthday, the moment he started walking, and I am sure I will feel the same twinge in the pit of my stomach when Squishapillar starts school.

For now I will keep reminding myself that as a parent I will continue to give my child to great gifts of roots and wings. And take joy the gifts of little hands, slobbery kisses, and big blue eyes looking up at me saying “mama” will be the rewards I get for letting go and giving my baby wings to continue to grow into the amazing little man he is quickly becoming! (That and the fact that at almost 29 I still need my mother on a pretty regular basis, so there is hope that my Squish isn’t going anywhere for a long time.)